SBEmails
by poji73
Summary: Just what it looks like, a Strong Bad Email fic. I felt like writing one, so I did. Sue me.
1. re: camping trip

First Homestar fic! And this one's about SBEmails. Why? Because I want it to be! Ha!

* * *

_re: camping trip_

Strong Bad sat in front of his laptop computer, which he affectionately called the "Lappy 486", after its model number. He then began singing to no one in particular…possibly his Lappy.

"Oh…there was a farmer, had a dog, and email was his name-o!" he cried, typing _strongbademail.exe_ into the Lappy. He pressed "ENTER" and the following email appeared onscreen. He read it aloud.

Yo, Strong Badman,

Wen was da last tim you went on a camping trip? Whatid you do, whod yu go with, and what are some tips?

Yours,

Stiny

Of course, Strong Bad, loving to make fun of others, read the email all wrong. He read the word "wen" like "ween", he pronounced "tim" the way it sounds, and said "whatid" and "whod" as such: "what-eed" and "whood" respectively. When he got to the second comma, he addressed it as "unnecessary comma." He hit the "ENTER" and began to respond to the email.

He spoke aloud, as well as typed the following message. "Hey wait? Stiny? Why does that sound familiar? Hey, wait a minute! You're Lil' Stiny from Email 29! I remember you! And you're still not my sidekick? That's–"

He was abruptly cut off by a mewing noise. At this point, he stopped typing. "What the – the Cheat?" The Cheat mewed again. He was dressed in a little superhero getup. "I already told you, the Cheat, Stiny's still on hold! He'll come here soon!" The Cheat squeaked sharply. "Yeah, I know it's been three years. But he'll come…soon." The Cheat sounded exasperated as he squeaked one more time and stalked off. Strong Bad decided he'd had enough with the superhero jazz, and turned back to the screen, pressed "ENTER", and continued on a different page.

"Yeah," he typed and said, "I've been camping," and at this point he had to suppress a giggle, "_Stiny_. I mean, seriously, who hasn't? I went with Pom-Pom, The Cheat, Strong Mad, Bubs, and, as much as it pains me to admit it, Homestar." Obviously Strong Bad was very sensitive to this matter. "What? He gave me a Cold One!" "Two," Homestar called from the distance. Strong Bad stopped typing. "Shut up! That was an album, titled "The 70's Least Popular Jams!" Homestar sounded happy offstage. "I know! Isn't that gweat?" Strong Bad groaned. "Anyway," he continued typing, "here's whatid we did!"

The screen cut to the forest, where Strong Bad, The Cheat, Pom-Pom, Strong Mad, Bubs, and Homestar were sitting around a campfire. "Well!" Homestar exclaimed. "Time fowe…scawy stowies! I'll go fiwst!"

The screen faded to a blank area, with a blue background. "Well, thewe was…this mawshmawow." A marshmallow appeared in the screen. "And…it had a face!" A face appeared on it, making it look like Marshie of Fluffy Puff fame. "And it…yelled a lot!" "Oh…SNAP!" the Marshie yelled. The screen faded back to the campfire, where everyone was shivering. "Woah! That was the scariest thing I've heard since '98!" Bubs yelled. "THAT WAS SCARY!" Strong Mad bellowed. Even Strong Bad was awed. "That was…okay," he admitted. Homestar smiled. "Bubs, you go next."

Bubs took a breath. "Okay. Well, it was at a house on Halloween night." A large rickety house appeared behind a creepy background. "And…a witch lived there." A green-faced, long-nose, wart-blessed old lady appeared in the doorway. "And…she'd give out the best candy ever!" A bucket of candy appeared in her hand, and two kids appeared in front of her. "But…she'd charge $7.50 per piece!" Bubs was interrupted by screams of terror. The screen abruptly switched back to the campsite, where everyone was sweating and shivering. "And then," Bubs finished, "she spent the money and charged $8.50 the next year!" The screams of terror came anew, and louder than ever.

The screen changed back to Strong Bad's computer desk, where he continued typing and talking. "Well, Bubs' terrifying story scared everyone away, so we didn't really see anything else. And I got some tips for you!

Use better grammar.

Get a better name.

March your skinny white butt over to Strong Badia before the Cheat…eats…you.

I gotta go."

He got up, the Geddup Noise (or rather his cousin, Chairscoot), sounded, and he walked away.

**Easter Eggs:**

skinny white butt: shows a picture of Homestar's butt on a photo signed "Butt dance again!" in a sloppy handwriting

* * *

Review or die, I promise you!


	2. re: cleaning out

Yeah, Chapter 2 is here. Already. No reviews. Can't expect any in 2 minutes. Strong Bad, get this email started.

* * *

re: cleaning out

Strong Bad sat down and prepared to check his email once more. "Well, it's that time of year," he said reflectively. "Time to do a bit of pre-Christmas cleaning. And by that, I mean deleting." He said this as he typed in _strongbademail.exe_, then pressing "ENTER". An email flashed onscreen.

what up, SB dude?

how's x-mas this year?

crappitily,

joe smith

Strong Bad read it as follows: "What up, suh-buh dude? How's x-a-mus this year? Overused words, Joe Smith."

He quickly typed

"What up, JS dude,

How's it knowing your email's going to get deleted?"

He quickly typed the word "DELETED!" while yelling it. The word flashed on the screen in large letters. He pressed "ENTER" and the next one appeared.

not dear strong bad,

you suck. i am awesome. why don' t they call you weak bad?

you suck,

cool dude

Strong Bad took a breath. "I'm not even bothering with this one. DELETED!" It was promptly deleted. He opened the next email.

Hey S to the B,

Do you like crap? Is crap in the dictionary? Does crap come from cows? Do you eat crap? Where did crap first come from?

Loving crap,

Chad

Strong Bad groaned and began typing. "Look, man. If you want crap so much, just use your email. DELETED!" The words flashed on the screen, removing the email. The next one was typed in a fancy gothic font.

_Dear Strong Vermillion Bad,_

Why are you so mean to Strong Sad? You're always picking on him, and making him feel like he sucks, and throwing cakes in his face…Why? He is a nice person.

_Please take into consideration what I said,_

_Depressio_

Strong Bad read over this email several times, shocked. "Whoa! I mean, this guy's an idiot, but…that's one SOLID email! I might…" He paused suspiciously and read over it again. "Wait a freakin' minute! Depressio? What the crap?" The screen faded to in front of Strong Sad's room.

He knocked on the door. "Hey Strong Sad!" He was holding a heavy dictionary behind his back. The door swung open. "What do you want?" Strong Sad asked irritably from the doorway. BAM! Strong Bad swung the book, knocking Strong Sad out cold. "Yeah, that's right! And don't ever email me, or use my middle name, again!"

The screen faded back to Strong Bad's office, which he was already in. He sat down and resumed typing. "Yeah, that Strong Sad. What a nerd. Oh, wait, I almost forgot. DELETED!" He laughed. "Well, that's over. I feel…cleansed. I'm going to get some Cheatcakes." He got up and ran off, possibly to stop the Cheat from eating them all.

**Easter Eggs:**

Cheatcakes: the exact same Cheatcakes scene as from the email "stupid stuff"

* * *

Review. Don't, and I'll do to you what Strong Bad did to "Depressio".


	3. re: message in bottle

Alright, ya'll, welcome back to SBEmails! I'll be posting chapters in pairs, because they're really short, OK? Good.

Now, I'd like to tell you something: I want real reviews! Real ones! Not "lol"! If I keep seeing that, I'll block anonymous reviewers. But, anger issues aside, I'd like to thank the 3 real reviewers. Well, here's "Message in Bottle"!

* * *

Chapter 3-re: message in bottle

Strong Bad, sitting at his computer desk, began saying "On today's episode  
of Strong Bad Email, we'll be discussing the behavior of hot girls. Not  
really." He typed strongbademail.exe and pressed "ENTER". An email  
appeared.

Hey, Strong Bud,

How're things with the lades? Anyway, if you had to make a message in a  
bottle, what would be your favorite joke, your awesomest song, and your  
sweeticlest dance?

Forever a ladies man,  
Hoki Darker, CA

Strong Bad read it like this. "Hey, Strong Bud. How are things with the  
lads? Anyway, if you had to make a message in a bottle, what would be your  
favorite joke, your awesome-eest song, and your sweet-ickle-eest dance?  
Forever a lads man, Hoki Dorkerca."

He gasped in mock amusement, and began typing. "No way! The Hoki Dorkerca?  
You're like, a living legend!" He paused. "I lied. I, nor anyone else, has  
ever heard of Hoki Dorkerca." He paused again. "So, a message in a bottle?  
Well, I have some good jokes. Like this one." He began thinking. "Oh yeah,  
this one.

"Did you just call me your Strong Bud? I am not your Strong Bud, and I  
doubt you will ever have a Strong Bud. Or maybe this one. You're good with  
the lads? What's that supposed to mean? Do you like, give your fellow guys  
a Cold One? Yeah, those jokes will turn some heads. Now for a song.

"Of course, I already have a soundtrack," he pointed out, referring to  
Strong Bad Sings, "but I guess I can make up a new one for you. How about  
this one?"

His head started waving to the beat. "Yeah. They're Limozeen. They got a  
cool car, a band, and almost a TV show. They're Limozeen. They got a  
drummer. They're Limozeen!" Roses flew from nowhere towards him. "Yeah!  
Thank you! But now for a dance..."

"I got one, Stwong Bad." Strong Bad jolted. Standing right beside him was  
Homestar Runner. "What? No one wants to see your dance!" "Sure they do!"  
He began waving his bottom around. "Butt dance..." "NO! Alright, I'll put  
it down, just get out of my freakin' house!" "Okay."

Furious, Strong Bad made a final list. "Okay, here goes.

1. Did you just call me your Strong Bud? I am not your Strong Bud, and I  
doubt you will ever have a Strong Bud.  
2. Yeah. They're Limozeen. They got a cool car, a band, and almost a TV  
show. They're Limozeen. They got a drummer. They're Limozeen!  
3. The...ugh...butt dance.

"Well, that's my list," he said finally. "Now, I'm going to go put a pair  
of pants on Homestar if it kills me. That butt is a lethal weapon." He got  
up and walked away.

Easter Eggs:  
pants: Shows Homestar running around Strong Badia yelling "Long pants!"  
with Strong Bad futilely chasing him, pair of pants in hand

drummer: Limozeen starts singing SB's song

* * *

Next chapter comes soon. Well, keep emailing Strong...uh, I mean, keep reviewing me! 


	4. re: alphabet

Welcome back, blah blah blah, let's see Strong Mad learn the ABCs!

* * *

Chapter 4-re: alphabet

Strong Bad sat down and sang, "Let's sing a song of...EMAIL!" He typed  
strongbademail.exe, and the email appeared. It read:

Dear Stong Bad,

You are awesome! But I was wondering, why don't you teach Strong Mad the  
alphabet?

Your main man,  
Van Muundegarde

"Whoa!" Strong Bad exclaimed. "Van Muundegarde? You've come back from  
France! So, Vannie, why don't I teach Strong Mad the ABCs? Well, he's got  
a one-track mind, making it hard..."

The screen switched to a classroom. Strong Bad was standing at the front,  
scholarship hat and baton ready, while Strong Mad was sitting in a seat.  
"Okay, Strong Mad," Strong Bad said slowly, "say it with me. A."  
"DOUGLAS!" thundered the oldest of the Strongs. "Uh...never mind. Now to  
numbers. 1, 2, 3." "I LIKE CHEESE!" Strong Bad was clearly disturbed.  
"Yeah, that's...great, big guy. Now, say The Cheat." "THE CHORT!" "Ugh,  
this is hopeless."

The screen switched back to the Lappy 486. "So, there you have it. You'd  
have an easier time teaching Homsar."

The screen went back to the classroom, but this time switching Strong Mad  
for Homsar. "Okay, midget, say A." "Elect a cup of corn for president!"  
Homsar exclaimed. "What the crap? Uh...okay, 1, 2, 3." "Let's sing a song  
of Pennzoil!" "Uh...what? Well, never mind. Say The Cheat." "You're a real  
state trooper!"

The Lappy 486 again appeared. "So, you see? You can't teach Strong Mad the  
ABCs, and Homsar's an idiot. Well, I'm going to go tape his mouth shut."  
He got up and left.

Easter Eggs:  
tape: shows Homsar bound and gagged in a closet, jumping up and down


	5. re: superpowers?

Well, normally I post chappies in pairs, but I've been busy as of late, and I'm adding just the one, OK?

* * *

Chapter 5-re: superpowers? 

Strong Bad, walking into his office, glanced at his clock that conspicuously appeared spontaneously. "Well, it's that time of week again!" he mused. The Mexican-esque wrestler sat down at his desk and opened his laptop. "I met a girl. Her name was…EMAIL!" He typed strongbademail.exe quickly and viewed his weekly email.

Just chilling, Muscular Bad,

I was just wondering, does anybody in Free Country have any superpowers?

Just chilling,  
Awesome Joe

Strong Bad, finding no apparent grammatical errors, was forced to read the email exactly the way it was written. He had to resort to a fairly lame insult at the end.

"Well, Dorkular Joe," he retorted weakly, "luckily for you I have a file on this very thing." He pressed "ENTER" and typed superherofiles.exe. The list was as follows.

It had a pixelated picture of each citizen of Free Country, USA on the left, and some information on the right. For example, next to Homestar's picture it read:

HOMESTAR RUNNER

CRANBERRY DRIVE, FREE COUNTRY, USA

RESIDENT ATHLETE

"Well, here goes!" Strong Bad exclaimed, not typing. He scrolled his cursor over to Homestar's picture and clicked on it. It read:

NAME: Homestar Runner

CODENAME: H0M3$tr

ADDRESS: 602, Cranberry Drive

Free Country, USA, 67670

(121) 555-5551

SUPERPOWER:  
Telekinesis

At this point, Strong Bad shouted "What the crap?" There was a link at the end, saying "Click for further info". He eagerly clicked.

It showed Homestar picking up a TV, grunting. It took Strong Bad a few seconds to get this. "Oh! And I always thought he had invisible arms!" He hit "ENTER" and the Poopsmith appeared on screen.

NAME: The Poopsmith

CODENAME: p00p3r$

ADDRESS: Dung Pile, Kingly Way

Free Country, USA, 67670

(121)111-1234

SUPERPOWER:  
Ability to Not Smell

At the end, there was a line reading "You better not need any further info." And, thankfully, Strong Bad didn't. He was perfectly fine with his current information. "Uh, okay then. I'm just going to move on before I throw up." He pressed "ENTER" again, and the King of Town appeared.

NAME: The King of Town

CODENAME:  
K1n6L33

ADDRESS:  
KOT Castle, Kingly Way

Free Country, USA, 67670

(121)111-1234

SUPERPOWER:  
Mind Control

This was a stumper. "Uh..." He clicked the link at the end. It showed the King of Town talking to the Poopsmith, who looked very rebellious. A jet of red light shot out of the King's head, and into the Poopsmith. The latter snapped to a military salute, and the screen froze. "Oh!" Strong Bad exclaimed. "That explains how he got the freakin' guy to shovel crap all day!" He pressed "ENTER" again and a different person appeared onscreen.

NAME:  
Strong Mad

CODENAME:  
$tr0n6 Md

ADDRESS:  
Upstairs Bedroom, Strong Badia

Free Country, USA, 67670

(121)666-6666

SUPERPOWER:  
Super Strength

Strong Bad didn't look remotely surprised. "Well, that's expected," he mused. "Now who's next?" He hit "ENTER" again and...of all people, Strong Bad came up! He jumped. "No way!"

NAME:  
Strong Vermillion Bad

CODENAME:  
$tr0n6 8d

ADDRESS:  
Computer Room, Strong Badia

Free Country, USA, 67670

(121)666-6666

SUPERPOWER:  
Cap Remover

He laughed. "Ah yes, the classic. Time to break this baby out!" He pulled out a Cold One, and the diamond on his head began glowing. The cap popped off, and he raised the bottle to his square mouth. "Ahh. Nothing beats a frothy Cold One. Well, that's it. I will now stop answering emails. Not really."

Easter Eggs:  
None. Sorry.

* * *

Well, fun, fun, fun! Oh, and for more fun, you can put the next email in your reviews. 1st one I get I'm using, and the next, and the next, and so on, and so forth. 


End file.
